How to Win a Runner's Heart?

Let me introduce my wonderful wife, Amy!

Happy Valentine's Day!

As we celebrate this special day of romance, I have to say that my wife is truly a lucky lady. Instead of me taking her out to a crowded, expensive restaurant to celebrate on the 14th, I’m taking her out to a crowded, expensive restaurant the following night. 

Why am I doing that, you ask? 

Simple.  I have a race the morning after Valentine's Day.  

A special race, you wonder. Perhaps one that you've been focusing on for these past couple months?

Not really.  Just a mid-February race that I’ve run for eight straight years.

I'm only doing what any other true runner would do. We’re all uber-committed to our sport and intent on enjoying it no matter what.  That's just one of the reasons why everyone wants a runner as a romantic partner.

Realizing that not every person reading this has the rare and uniquely good fortune to have a runner as that special person in their life, I have laboriously crafted the following guidelines. Ones guaranteed to secure the ardor and steadfast devotion of even the most determined, most dedicated of runners. Take these guidelines to heart and you'll never again be denied that remarkable gift of being with a runner.

Rick’s Guide to Romancing the Runner

1. Ask Why We Run. Think of it not as a question, but instead as an entry code that unlocks the door not only into a runner's psyche, but also their heart. Know that hearing from a runner the total and comprehensive reasons they run will be among the most fulfilling ninety plus minutes of your life and the barest of hints to the wondrous times ahead for you.

2. Continue Asking About Running. Every runner is untapped fountain of astonishing knowledge. Who doesn't want to know about the evolution of the Nike Pegasus training shoe since 1985? Or how the Dam-to-Dam race has so subtly changed since becoming the Dam to Des Moines in 2019? To say nothing about our unique perspectives on the best ways to avoid GI issues during a workout.

3. Cherish the Solitude. Runners need to run. Whether that is accomplished alone or with others, be grateful that you have that time alone to contemplate the beauty of your relationship as they complete their workout. Never doubt during those long hours alone that you are that essential insert in the running shoe of their life - even as that group run turns into a breakfast feast that keeps your runner away for the entire morning.

4. Appreciate the Sacred Dictates of Race Day. As you surely know, there is nothing more important than participating in a race. Acknowledging that allows your runner to maintain a pre-race routine that has been developed in meticulous detail akin to plans crafted by generals to overthrow lesser nations. A few drinks with friends on that evening before the race? Not a chance. A meal the evening before that does not consist of some variety of pasta? Perish the thought! And any chance of a...romantic interlude? Definitely! As long as it's no sooner than 8.48 hours after said race. All to make certain you have the remarkable opportunities to experience what's described in the next number.

5. Support their Efforts. Nothing informs a runner as to the depths of your passion than huddling under an umbrella for a hour of two on a cold, windy and rainy day as they finish a long race. Or maintaining a lonely vigil on a wickedly hot and humid morning at a finish line where the nearest shade is half a mile away. It goes without saying that this devotion extends into awards ceremonies occurring a mere hour or two after your runner has completed their race and where your beloved receives a stunning medal or award that is identical to the other eighty-five participants in the ceremony and that once home, will be relegated to a drawer to only see the light of day again when a friend or family member of yours comes for a visit.

This woman only has another hour to wait for her runner to complete their race. Truly a fortunate individual.

6. Know That Nothing is Better (or Sexier) Than Running Attire. If you find that less than 37.6% of this person's total wardrobe is not devoted to running attire of some kind, step away as this is person is not a true runner. But if they meet that all-important threshold, revel in the knowledge that they will have the lightest and skimpiest material imaginable for summer runs as well as enough layers for the winter to put to shame Ralphie's little brother from the Christmas Story. Even better, you'll never have to worry about what they wear in pubic because as a true runner, they will have sufficient apparel from past races for each calendar day of the year.

7. Celebrate No Escape from Running. Be ever-so thankful that all these wonderful attributes that make this person that shining beacon in your life will not diminish. You will be amazed at how your runner can revise and contort family events to accommodate their running schedule. Likewise, no vacation or getaway need impact or lessen their workout calendar. Indeed, a true runner has no difficulty scheduling a race into the simplest weekend getaway, allowing you to experience the wonders of their Race Day routines while on the road.

Is it as simple as what I've described to secure the undying devotion of a runner? Is that all it takes to meet someone with those entrancing traits that I've so boldly outlined?

Let me assure that those seven guidelines are the very stretching techniques that will loosen the hamstring and heart of that incredible runner who will offer you a life such as you've never known.

You’re so very welcome!

Okay! Okay! Before you blow up the comments here or on Facebook, I admit it! This is all "tongue-in-cheek." A satirical joke. Know that without a doubt I’ve been incredibly lucky to have Amy in my life.  (And yes, I’m making it up to her for taking her out on Saturday instead of tonight!) 

That all said, any other words or thoughts to share? Like I said, you can do so in the comments below or on Facebook. And once again, Happy Valentines Day!